ALARM
[back to top]Once upon a Wednesday dreary,
Of my books I did grow weary,
But if, I said, you were here near me all would be well.
Called you up, but you weren't at home,
But I thought it just as well,
Because the streets are awful cold in January.
So here I'll stay in the fading light of day.
Somehow it always seems to work out that way in January.
Gaze forlornly out my window.
Let you lead me down the primrose way.
I should have known your intentions weren't mine.
Something between a friend and just a good time.
Play it back in my mind in January.
So here I'll stay in the fading light of day.
Somehow it always seems to work out that way in January.
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BARE MINIMUM [back to top]
You must think I'm an idiot savant,
'Cuz I only do what I want
And get by with the bare minimum.
You must think these good looks are just good luck,
But I really don't give a damn.
All I need is the bare minimum.
I'd like to thank the admissions committee for my admission
In spite of the lack of any indicia of initiative or ambition
And the fact that you might more plausibly envision me bitchin'
About havin' to wash dishes in some Denny's kitchen and wishin'
That I had the cash like a player
Instead of cruisin' in my Geo, crankin' the John Mayer.
I quit tryin' 'cuzI just don't care,
And if you feel like I feel, throw your hands in the air.
You must think I'm an idiot savant,
`Cuz I only do what I want
And get by with the bare minimum.
You must think these good looks are just good luck,
But I really don't give a damn.
All I need is the bare minimum.
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THE BATTLE OF ELIAN GONZALES
[back to top][Janet Reno addressing her subordinates]
Gather `round, ye brave of I-N-S and D-O-J
Who've sunk the Haitian boat people and walled off Mexico.
We've got a 3-foot problem, and it will not go away.
And we must send it back to Castro.
(We must send it back to Castro…)
Prepare yourselves for the battle of Elian Gonzales
Get ready, boys, prepare for the judgment day.
Does anyone speak Spanish, of the WASPS among us?
(No señora, no comprende)
“Take him quick!”
“That little [racial slur omitted]”
And then quell the angry mob.
We'll send him back to Cuba like a contraband cigar.
“He could grow up!”
“He could stay here!”
He could steal an unskilled job!
He can come back with a Green Card.
(He can come back with a Green Card…)
[Chorus]
Ready all your ammo. Make sure you've got enough.
`Cause he might be playing Lego's and he might be playing rough!
So hurry to Miami, you haven't got much time.
Now excuse me, Fidel's on the other line.
(Excuse her, Fidel's on the other line.)
[Chorus]
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DENIAL
[back to top]Good morning, my name is ____. Nice to meet you.
I vaguely remember meeting you at the bar.
I had a G&T. You had a Sex on the Beach.
I can find my own way out if you can tell me where my pants are.
Good morning, supervisor ____. How ya doing?
What's that smell? Well I really couldn't say.
I guess you're right, it's really afternoon,
And yes, these are the same old clothes that I was wearing yesterday.
I don't have a problem.
(If that's what you're implying.)
No, you're the one being defensive.
(And no, I'm not denying)
That I am not ecstatic with the status of my life,
But just a couple shots and those depresing thoughts will soon be outta sight.
Good evening, Officer _____. It's good to see ya.
No I can't say how I wound up in this ditch.
Just two beers, maybe a little sangria.
Sure, A-B-C-D-E-F-S-T-L-M-N-R...shit.
I don't have a problem.
(If that's what you're implying.)
No, you're the one being defensive.
(And no, I'm not denying)
That I am not ecstatic with the status of my life,
But who really needs to think or breath that doesn't stink of scotch and Miller Light?
Good morning, cell room floor.
You seemed colder than before,
All night against my cheek.
I guess that I'll be seeing you again next weekend.
I don't have a problem.
(If that's what you're implying.)
No, you're the one being defensive.
(And no, I'm not denying)
That I am not ecstatic with the status of my life.
Could someone pass some arsenic, a candlestick, a leadpipe, or a knife?
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DIXIELAND
[back to top]Sit beside me on the banks of the river,
Shade from the willow tree providing us with cover
And look out on the Old Man,
Who made some men rich and a million more suffer.
And though I tried, I could not decide
Whether to write an homage or a diatribe,
And I'm not Neil Young, but I got my pride,
So let's cut loose, tell the truth one time
It's my home sweet home, sweet Dixieland.
It's summer shade with a mint julep in your hand.
It's my home sweet home, sweet Dixieland.
Where they judge a man by the color of his skin.
It's that grand old paradox of beautiful pain.
It's the Memphis Blues, New Orleans rain.
It's Yazoo City and the Ku Klux Klan.
It's Byron De la Beckwith with a gun in his hand.
It's my home sweet home, sweet Dixieland.
It's Tuscaloosa in the fall with a marching band.
It's my home sweet home, sweet Dixieland.
Take him down if the boy try to make a stand.
It's my home sweet home, sweet Dixieland.
It's years slipping through our grasp like sand.
It's my home sweet home, sweet Dixieland.
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EVIL ABOUT
[back to top]Everything is under our control,
so give it up for the border patrol.
Nothing lost except for mind, body, and soul.
There's an evil force we face
Outside our cradle of peace and grace.
Gotta keep a couple billion in their place.
Fuse fantasy with superstition
and fall in line behind a crude patrician.
Liberation as a cover for fear and ambition.
It's 2003 and wouldn't you know it,
There is evil about, and we've got to control it.
Wake the hatred in you 'cause it's time to enroll it.
There is evil about, and we've got to control it.
Call the armed services; their services are needed.
There is evil outside and it's got to be defeated.
The root of our problem's not so deeply seated:
There is evil all around, and it's got to be defeated.
There is evil about.
There are monsters all around.
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HAPPILY MARRIED MAN
[back to top]It's 9:15 again on a Friday night.
Getting too old for this, almost twenty-nine.
And the people scream-in' for me are barely outta their teens...
It's easy to get caught up in the show,
And it's all glamorous, I know.
And you'd all like to get a piece of me…
(But) I'm a happily married man.
I don't want to give you the wrong impression.
So go ahead and seduce me all you can.
I'll just have to make this one confession:
That there's another woman in my life,
And I refer to her as my wife,
So step away from the stage.
Now I'm on stage and the lights are hot.
All your friends are here, but my woman's not,
But that's OK, she works days and I work nights...
So have a drink, and control yourself.
You can throw your body at someone else,
Even though I know I'm so handsome in these lights...
'Cause I'm a happily married man.
I don't want to give you the wrong impression.
So go ahead and seduce me all you can.
I'll just have to make this one confession:
That there's another woman in my life.
We should refer to her as my wife,
But could I still have your number?
I know that I'm a big star.
Just look at the crowd in this small bar.
So it wouldn't be too hard I suppose
To get that girl in the back to take off all her clothes.
But I'm a happily married man.
I don't want to give you the wrong impression.
So go ahead and seduce me all you can.
I'll just have to make this one confession:
That there's another woman in my life.
You could refer to her as my wife,
So we are just for tonight.
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A LETTER
[back to top]You wrote a letter to say,
things might be better if I stayed away for awhile,
And I hate it but I think that I agree.
Take all of the sins of our past & just cast them on me.
But I wonder why you'd go to the trouble,
When you could just tell me yourself.
Ten after ten on a Tuesday night, you were never in.
Impatiently I pace as I read.
Footsteps at last, you'd hit the couch and you'd collapse,
And we would sit and talk ourselves to sleep.
Now I'm talking to myself
And watching SportsCenter,
And if all else fails, I'll walk to the Walgreen's,
Buy a case of whatever's on sale.
No more listening to your CD's (of Indigo Girls.)
No more biding my time (I've got all of the time in the world.)
No more bearing witness to your slow decline now.
People make decisions, they leave.
Some of them prosper and some of them grieve.
Some of them stare at the ceiling trying to sleep,
Trying to extract some meaning where there's none.
Now I'm reasoning with myself:
You weren't a waste of my time.
Well, that's just denial, but I learned well.
In fact, I was taught by the best.
Now I'm thinking to myself:
Maybe I've worn out my welcome.
In post-adolescence you don't have to languish in this introspection,
Just give up the Sartre and get some direction,
But hold up, professional wrestling is on TNN.
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THE PRAGMATIST
[back to top]I guess I'll rebuild everything, just like I did before,
Clean the broken dishes up off of the kitchen floor,
Squeeze into the Civic, and shuffle off to work Monday morning.
And who knows where the time goes when the plans go astray?
Seems like I'm always two steps ahead 'til my life gets in the way.
Now it's back to black turtlenecks and staying out Friday night
until morning.
Why can't you see, this life I lead is only killing me?
But I'd rather be comfortable than free.
Here's me in the Back Bay, and here's me at the gym,
And here's me doing tricks & bending spoons & staying slim and trim,
And hoping you'll see the futility of it all and maybe call.
Why can't you see, these lives we lead are only killing you and me?
But I'd rather be comfortable than free
I think it's time now for you and me
To stop overestimating opportunity
And face up to impending mortality,
Which is closer now than ever before.
And I'm not suggesting anything crazy, you know,
Like us buying a caravan or listening to Sheryl Crow.
But it's a shame to let a good thing go
Out of fear that you could have more.
All the lessons I've been learning,
All your things that I'll be burning.
On the plus side, I am turning over this new leaf.
So what if it's withered, I don't need the likes of you to pity me.
So bye-bye, it's been fun.
I guess some day we'll probably run
Into one another in a Stop and Shop or something,
And I'll say, "How've you been?" and you'll say, "Fine,"
And I'll just break down and cry.
Why can't you see the earth is shaking, seas are rising,
World's falling down around me,
And there's nothing I can do, nothing I can do?
But I'd rather be comfortable than free.
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SLIPPIN' BY
[back to top]I'm just hanging around in a nowhere town with no one else.
I've spent my days just in a haze, watching TV by myself.
So I look around and try to find
Someone who'll waste their time with me, but then I see,
That I'll just sit at home & down a stout,
'Cause the plans I make just don't work out at all,
'Cause no one calls.
Now I'm just slippin' by. I'm wasting time.
And I'll be doing just fine when this place is behind,
'Cause I tried to make it fly but came up dry,
And now I'm doing my best not to get too depressed about life.
I took every excuse that I could use to get away for a while,
'Cause I can't play the game. It's not the same as being in denial.
I don't care here how well I do.
Do the minimum work to just get through in 4, or maybe more.
I'll just put in my years, and what I learn just disappears from mind,
And so I find...
That I'm just slippin' by. I'm wasting time.
And I'll be doing just fine when this place is behind,
'Cause I tried to make it fly, but came up dry,
And now I'm doing my best not to get too depressed about life.
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SPATS 'N' HATS '99
[back to top]Have you heard the latest of fads,
Hittin' MTV and all the frats?
Yeah, all those guys in khaki pants,
They're all learning how to swing dance.
They're turning off Hootie and putting on spats & hats.
They just don't realize that swing's so '98.
Too busy drinking Natty Ice,
And this is what they say:
"Gonna go out, gonna get laid,
'Cuz the swinging moves that I made.
Gonna go out, gonna get laid,
'Cuz I slicked my hair with Pommade.
Gonna go out, put on my spats & hats."
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NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL MUSIC AT THE END OF THE WORLD [back to top]
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